


Before and After

by Nemoinis



Category: NSYNC
Genre: M/M, Schmoop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-08
Updated: 2015-09-08
Packaged: 2018-04-19 16:58:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4754027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nemoinis/pseuds/Nemoinis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lance’s life is divided into two distinct parts: Before NSync and After. Of course, the After has a multitude of events that separate it into smaller sections which become lists and Lance likes it that way and he keeps them arranged neatly in his head and tends to them regularly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Before and After

**Author's Note:**

> This story was written as part of the 2003 Now We Don Our Gay Apparel secret santa. 
> 
> Kudos and Comments always appreciated. Thank you!

Lance’s life is divided into two distinct parts: Before NSync and After. Of course, the After has a multitude of events that separate it into smaller sections which become lists and Lance likes it that way and he keeps them arranged neatly in his head and tends to them regularly. 

Which means that everything starts in Germany, because that is the beginning of the After. And the first thing in the Beginning is JC.

***

JC naps constantly and everywhere, stretched all long and lean and limp like his sister’s cat and Lance likes to sit nearby and watch. Lance has the tiniest crush on him because he likes the way JC sees music in everything he does; from the lyrics and half-written melodies littering the bus, scribbled on used napkins and scraps of paper to the way JC’s hands and fingers flit about, even when he’s sleeping. Lance is pretty sure there’s a musical score going on that he’ll never be able to hear. 

So he doesn’t care to find Justin crouching over JC, who’s sprawled on the floor with his fingers twitching in time to his dreams. For a brief moment Lance panics, thinks something might be wrong but the other guys are there and no one seems concerned. So he takes his walkman and curls up next to Joey on the couch and pretends he doesn’t care that Justin is blocking his view.

But then Justin touches JC and Lance doesn’t bother to pretend anymore. Justin’s hands are huge but he’s still small, like a puppy with too big feet and Lance has wondered how long it will take Justin to grow into them. But still, they seem gentle as they trace JC's jaw line, the slope of his nose, the arch of black brows. 

JC doesn’t wake up, even when Justin pulls gently at his bangs.

Joey sees him watching and pushes on the thigh with his foot. He never teases Lance about JC, even though he thinks JC is goofy and Lance is a dork for liking him. 

"He’s growing," Joey offers when Lance slips his headphones off. 

"What?" 

"JC is growing," Joey makes some strange fluttering motions with his hands in the air. It makes him giggle. 

Chris appears behind them and thunks Joey on the side of his head with a "knock it off, shithead." It sounds like a stone hitting a ripe melon and Joey’s eyes tear up. They tumble together across the floor into a table, where Joey holds Chris down and gives him tittie twisters. It makes Lance’s nipples hurt and that’s why he wanders over to the other two. It definitely isn’t because he’s jealous of Justin. He settles on the floor with JC between them. 

"Hey," Lance says and they sit there quietly. 

Justin skims JC’s belly with his palms, then moves to his sides. 

Lance doesn’t really know what to say. 

"He’s growing into his talent," Justin offers after a few minutes. He runs his hands lightly over JC’s chest. "I don’t want to miss it." 

"Well," Lance starts, because that’s just silly and he’s going to tell Justin so, but JC murmurs and rolls towards him. His eyes are open; he looks at Lance and smiles, just a tiny bit sad, then closes his eyes. Justin explores the bony ridges of JC’s shoulder blades. 

Lance curls up with Joey on the couch when Justin starts memorizing JC's spine. 

And JC is no longer the Beginning, he’s just part of Before Joey. 

***

Joey sleeps messily. Lance thinks that might not make sense but it describes his state perfectly. Mouth open, noisy breathing, limbs sprawled everywhere, drool most often present at the corners of his mouth. 

Lance likes to watch Joey sleep. It’s even better when they’re both homesick and Joey lets him slip under the covers and hugs him so tightly that Lance thinks he might cry. 

Which means that Lance doesn’t like to find Justin holding Joey's hand as he strokes the long fingers, presses in between the knuckles. 

"What will he grow into?" Lance asks because it was better than hitting Justin. 

"He's a goof and that makes him happy now, but someday..." Justin trails off. 

"Someday?" Lance prompts. 

"Someday, he'll grow up, he'll be serious. Have... responsibilities." Justin brushes a finger over Joey's brow, pushing a stray lock of hair back off his forehead. 

Lance wants to laugh because he can't picture Joey being responsible, taking care of anyone. He can barely take care of himself and Lance says so.

"He will," Justin says, laying Joey's hand down on the tangled blanket. "You'll see." 

But Lance only sees that Joey isn’t the Beginning anymore. 

***

He finds out about Chris in Canada when he buys an LP Chris was looking for. Lance doesn’t knock, because he has Chris’ key card and he knows Chris is resting. 

He’s not sure why he’s surprised to find Justin perched cross-legged on the bed next to Chris as he strokes the small patch of skin at the base of Chris’s spine. It’s all that peeks out of Chris’s rucked up shirt. 

"I hate it when he sleeps on his stomach," Justin sighs. 

"What?" Lance says that a lot around Justin.

"He has the prettiest eyebrows, don’t you think?" 

Lance shrugs, he likes Chris’s sense of humor more than anything else and just ignores the bits he doesn’t care for, like the dreads and the horrible glasses. "I guess," he finally offers when Justin doesn’t say anything more. 

"Don’t tell, kay?" Justin cautions and Lance most certainly is going to tell, whatever it is, but Justin just runs his fingernail across the small of Chris’s back, hip to hip. 

Chris grunts and rolls onto his back. 

Justin smiles delightedly. He carefully pulls the front of Chris’s shirt over his bare belly. "He doesn’t like himself very much. He’ll grow into it though." His fingers slid reverently over Chris's eyebrows. "See? He’s beautiful." 

Lance doesn’t stay to see Justin run his thumbs over Chris’s parted lips. 

So Lance’s life is still divided into two distinct parts only now it’s Before and After Germany, which becomes After Lou and Sometime During NSA. 

***

It’s a light touch and Lance thinks that maybe he’s dreaming, but there it is again, a gentle brush over his left eyebrow, across his temple to his ear, then it’s gone. He tries to sit up, but the room is still spinning from too much gin and not enough tonic. 

"Justin?" His voice sounds horrible, like his throat is full of rocks.

"Shh" and the fingers are back only now they make long cool strokes down his cheeks. Maybe Lance is angry for a minute and what took him so long, he thinks, but it feels good and he’s always been a sleepy drunk. 

The wake-up call comes at 6:55 am and it’s piercingly loud. Lance calls down to the front desk to complain but his tongue feels really big so he just says "coffee" and hangs up. He adds the hotel to the list of ‘Things Lance Doesn’t Like’ he has in his head, ranking it between Chris throwing up on his shoulder in ‘98 and the Thai restaurant in LA that gave him the shits for a week. The shower makes him a bit more human so he moves the hotel to right above the smell of Joey’s feet after a week on the bus, because fuck, they stink. 

By the time he finishes dressing, Beth has checked him out and had his bags taken down to the car. He passes his coffee in the hallway on the way to the elevator. It’s being pushed on a noisy cart by a pimply teenager who doesn’t even look at Lance as he goes by. Lance doesn’t know what he even expects, they’re in fucking Tennessee after all (which has nothing to do with Justin) and he decides Joey can’t really help the way he feet smell and they’re never going to have another concert here for as long as he’s alive. 

He sleeps on the flight home and doesn’t think of Justin until he’s resting in the back of the limo and Beth offers him a bottle of extra strength aspirin. They’re dry and gritty in his mouth, but he chews four of them anyway, followed by a scotch, neat. His headache eases but the pounding doesn’t stop until he remembers the way Justin’s fingers felt on his cheeks, his forehead. 

He supposes Tennessee isn’t that bad. 

***

The three days off don’t suck and Lance arrives in Sunrise four hours before the concert. He loses a video game to Chris, who accuses him of throwing it intentionally and demands some sort of an apology. 

“Do they make a Hallmark card for this?” Lance asks.

“What, ‘sorry, my friend, that I threw the game intentionally’?”

“I did not!” Even though they both knew Lance had.

“Oh, better yet. ‘Sorry, my friend, that I threw a game intentionally and continue to deny it’!?” Chris was poking him in the chest with a hard finger. 

“So, no?” Lance smiled sheepishly. 

“No,” Chris says and sits on Lance, while Lance laughs and half-heartedly struggles. 

Eventually Joey wanders by to investigate the noise and Lance points him out without a bit of remorse, because it’s every man for himself when it comes to Chris. As he leaves, Chris is throwing random things from their travel kits at Joey, who’s hiding behind a couch and loudly cursing them both. 

He feels bad almost immediately, because Joey is his best friend, so he hunts down a bodyguard who is watching JC paint his toenails with a frown. Lance thinks they don’t really pay them enough and tells him that Joey’s in trouble. After he leaves, JC pushes his foot into Lance’s lap and a bottle of polish into his hands. 

Lance retucks the wads of tissue between JC’s toes and dabs on a little color. ‘Ocean Pearl’ the cap reads; it’s a pale blue color that shimmers purple when JC flexes his foot in Lance’s grasp. 

"I’m growing," he blurts out. 

JC smiles. "Really?" 

"Yeah," Lance finishes the last toe and looks up. "Or I guess Justin thinks so." 

JC stretches out his leg and wiggles his toes. "Mmmm," is all he says. 

"What do you think I’m growing into?"

JC shrugs. "You know it doesn’t really mean anything," JC says and pushes his other foot into Lance’s lap. "Right?" 

"Right," Lance says and starts on JC’s big toe, but he thinks about all the songs JC co-wrote and produced on the last album and the way Chris looks and moves like a shark these days and two out of three isn’t exactly wrong. 

He pretends he’s not getting enough sleep and goes to bed early every night they’re all in the same hotel, but he never wakes up with Justin touching him. 

***

Joey tells them in December that Kelly is “kinda, maybe, a little bit pregnant." There’s a lot of yelling, mostly from Chris, about responsibility and what the fuck was he thinking? No one really likes her, (she’s pretty high on Lance’s list, but he always marks her lower because of Joey) except Justin, and Joey of course, but honestly, even that’s debatable most days. JC starts shouting about Yoko and Joey finally screams that they’re going to get married and he’s gonna kick JC’s ass. 

"Oh," Chris says, "why didn’t you say so?" And that’s the end of that. Kelly comes in and everyone pretends she wasn’t in the next room the entire time. Johnny breaks out some champagne that Kelly won’t drink because of the baby and JC even hugs her and cries. Chris tells him he’s soft in the head. 

"I told you so," Justin says in Lance’s ear when they walk out the door. 

"What about me," he starts to ask, but Justin is already getting into his car. 

***

By the time Joey becomes a father, Lance has convinced himself he imagined Justin in his room to begin with and he doesn’t care what Justin’s doing with the other guys. He moves the hotel back up the list and it’s After NSA and the Beginning of PopOdyssey. 

They tour and Justin accidentally breaks Chris’s thumb wrestling and Chris tells outlandish stories about how it happened. Lance dates Trevor from Soul Decision for a month but they break up when Trevor decides he doesn’t like to wake up in the middle of the night with Lance touching his face. Britney still hangs around, Joey doesn’t get married and he stops seeing Kelly for the hundredth time and JC is back to calling her Yoko even though she never broke anyone up. They all dote on Brianna. Justin is supposed to write a book and then he isn’t and Chris is making them all wear FuManSkeeto clothes. Lance discovers he isn’t a very good actor but it’s okay because Joey is and Lance got a midnight call which makes his entire life Before Space. 

***

They spend a week in Seattle practicing before Celebrity and Lance is sober when Justin climbs on the bed. He doesn’t say anything and Justin just sits there. 

"I broke up with Britney," Justin says, right after Lance closes his eyes. 

Lance thinks that might warrant some response but he doesn’t know what, so instead of talking he keeps his eyes closed, squeezing his eyelids enough that shapes appear behind his eyelids. He might have felt Justin’s hands on his skin, blunt fingertips brushing across his cheeks, as he falls asleep but he isn’t sure.

He’s not sure if this is the Beginning of Justin or the After of something else but the weeks fly by and he only sees Justin on stage. 

Which reminds Lance how much that touring sucks (even though he’ll have forgotten by the time they’re ready for the next go round), ranking right after red-eye flights from Mississippi to wherever he has to work this week, but before waxing his eyebrows. So he’s happy when he gets to take a break to fly to Moscow. The flight isn’t a red-eye but it is an international so he goes to bed before midnight and sets his alarm for 6:00 am. 

He wakes up sometime later to Justin’s fingers trailing down his neck. 

“What?” he asks, catching at Justin’s fingers. 

Justin shakes his head, so Lance just rolls over and tries to go back to sleep. He moves Justin higher than Kelly on his list. 

In the morning, Justin grabs his hand as he gets into the elevator. 

“Have fun,” he says, and Lance thinks that might be a little lame because he’s going for medical tests and he’s traveling with his dad, who still thinks that Lance doesn’t drink and will eventually settle down with a nice girl and make babies, but he nods and smiles and says goodbye. 

***

Three days later he lands in Denver at ass-o’clock in the morning and sleepwalks to his hotel, where Beth dumps him into bed. He feels like he’s been abducted by aliens with a really big anal probe and it’s not as funny as it seems on South Park. Surgery, they said and his father set it up and he’s too busy the next week to tired or scared and then it’s Before Surgery. 

The instructions said no heavy machinery, so Lance gets Justin to drive him home. He’s told later on that he spent most of the time singing Itsy Bitsy Spider and poking himself in the arm, so maybe it's a good thing that he wasn't allowed to drive himself. 

His mom pours him into bed and Lance thinks he might have clung to Justin's arm but he doesn't really remember, even when he wakes up with his fist clenched tightly around nothing. 

He recalls warm fingers brushing over his hair, warm puffs of breath over his cheek. A kiss? Does he remember that? His lips tingle as he presses them together and he thinks it might just have been the drugs.

***

More things happen, and sure, some of them might be important, but it’s just a lot of filler between After Surgery, Before Space and On The Way to Russia. And then it’s the Beginning of Training and he hates Vodka, but he’s learning how to curse in Russian. He brings Freddy because he can’t bring Justin (not that he’d want to) and Joey may or may not have married Yoko but Lance forgot to ask if he’s still sleeping with JC. Chris lets Justin break his thumb again and Lance is halfway to being an astronaut even though he’s tired all the time and losing weight and his mother calls him about the circles under his eyes in the publicity photos. 

He slips home quietly in the middle of the night while people he doesn’t even know dicker over money and what he is and isn’t worth and he thinks he should be surprised to find Justin on his bed, but really he isn't.

He tugs his clothes off, leaving everything where it falls because his mother isn't here, hasn't been here for a long time, to tell him to pick his shit up. He drops onto the bed next to Justin, worn out and feeling wasted; scared that he’ll never get to go back and he’ll miss being dropped into the middle of a fucking ocean and scared that he'll go back tomorrow to be dropped in the middle of the fucking ocean. 

"Rough day?" Justin asks, hands already skimming over Lance's biceps.

The question is so stupid he wants to laugh, but Lance is too tired. "Rough year," he mumbles into his pillow. He moves closer to Justin, following his drifting hands, skimming smoothly over warm skin, cupping the shapes of his bones and muscles. 

He doesn't ask anymore. He knows not to. 

Justin isn’t there in the morning and he’s worth more than he thought because he goes back, but in the end, he’s not worth enough. He refuses to slink back with his tail between his legs and Lance dares them to turn down his money and they don’t. When he finishes he wants to cry but he refuses to do that as well. Instead, he smiles and lies about how wonderful the entire program is and how lucky he is to be back to Before NSync and After. 

He leaves Freddy in Russia without saying goodbye and gets off the plane during his layover in London, even though he’s not supposed to. It’s past two in the morning; Lonnie lets him into the penthouse.

Lance leaves the light in the hallway on. Justin sleeps on his side, curled around a pillow. His skin is warm under Lance’s palm and Lance doesn't need to see the freckles to know exactly where they are. 

Lance misses the exact moment Justin comes completely awake, pillow abandoned, his hands full of Lance's shirt. His breath is hot on Lance's face. 

"Stop," Lance says. Pleads. 

Justin doesn't move. 

"What," Lance starts to say, but the words stick in his throat. He tries again, "what did I need to grow into?"

Justin leans up and presses his lips to the corner of Lance' mouth for a moment. "Me," he breathes. "You were growing into me," and he pulls Lance down. 

***

Lance's life is divided into two distinct parts: Before Justin Loved Him and After.


End file.
